There Is No Truth To the Rumor . . .

Every Friday, we take a look around and debunk gossip, bust urban legends, and, we hope, give you a little smile to start your weekend.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that Virginia Beach Mayor Will Sessoms and The Virginian-Pilot are going steady.  It’s just a summer thang.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that Michael Jackson’s body is being driven aimlessly around Southern California in a bizarre motorcade as his family, officials and attorneys argue over where to bury him.  It is unfortunately true that one of the family sources quoted regarding disposition of the singer’s body is named Majestik Magnificent.  Dignity really never had a chance here, did it?

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that producers at CNN this week came down to a coin flip on the decision to break away from the fourth hour of their Al Sharpton interview on Michael Jackson’s legacy as an entertainer or coverage of  a meeting between some guy named Obama and some other guy named Putin.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that Sarah Palin resigned because ethics complaints against her were taking too much of a toll on Alaska.  But her use of the words “quitter,” “fighter,” “apathy” and “higher calling” in her explanation of her resignation have strained Thesauruses everywhere.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that Senator and Doctor Tom Coburn (R-Oklahoma) has helped his colleague Nevada Senator John Ensign so much with his sage advice and marriage counseling that other colleagues have sought him out for marital advice.  He’s writing a book called “Ten Easy Steps to Discover Your Inner Self-Righteous Gasbag–or How to Write Your Mistress a Note They’ll Read on CNN.”

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that Sarah Palin’s popularity has taken a dive with her resignation. Politically, she may have taken a hit, but we hear Bass Pro Shops and L.L.Bean sold out of waders four hours after her staged waterside interviews aired.  They’re just the thing for chowin’ down at the buffet at the Golden Corral, too, also.  Take that Michelle “J. Crew” Obama!

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions (R-19th Century) is afraid of Puerto Ricans.  He’s afraid of anything that isn’t whiter than Wonder Bread.  Like Sonia Sotomayor.  That’s why he’s leading the Republican opposition to her Supreme Court nomination.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that Representative Steve King (R-Iowa) was denying slavery by voting against a resolution acknowledging that the U.S. Capitol was built with slave labor.  He was denying that the U.S. Capitol was built at all.  (He thinks the House meets in a cornfield beside his farmhouse. Really.  His favorite movie is Field of Dreams.)

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that an anonymous billionaire offered a large cash prize for the Republican officeholder who could act the stupidest before Labor Day.  But just in case you’re keeping score, John Ensign, with his parents’ help, has just edged out Sarah Palin, but Mark Sanford could call another news conference at any time.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that the protests in Iran died with Michael Jackson.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that Leon Panetta and Nancy Pelosi will be co-hosting the annual CIA-Congress Softball Game and Picnic.  As usual, the location of the event is classified, which tends to hold down attendance.  Too bad.  We hear that the agency chorus does an “extraordinary rendition” of “Take Me Out To the Ball Game.”

Have a great weekend!