There Is No Truth To the Rumor . . .

Special Independence Day Weekend Edition

Every Friday, we take a look around and debunk gossip, bust urban legends, and, we hope, give you a little smile to start your weekend.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that a cable network has been launched called the 24/7 Michael Jackson Legacy Network.  It’s actually called CNN, MSNBC, E!, MTV, VH1, NBC, ABC, CBS, FOX, HBO . . . . Don’t touch that dial, it won’t do any good.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadidntwinijad has changed the official language of his country from Farsi to Farce.  In a related move, in gratitude for the timing of the tragic loss of Motown legend Michael Jackson, Ayatollah Ali Hoseyni Khāmene’i has changed his title to “Supremes” leader for 30 days of mourning. 

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that Francis Lightfoot Lee, delegate to the Continental Congress from Virginia and signer of the Declaration of Independence, got his middle name because he was gay.  He got the name because he kept falling asleep during the Congress, and some of the more mischievous members of the Maryland delegation kept setting his shoes on fire.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that Governor Mark Sanford is planning a book tour this fall.  He’s hoping reporters will share their notes of his witless press conferences so he can actually write a book first.  Working titles:  My Wife (and My Legislature) Doesn’t Understand Me, Last Tango Not Quite on the Appalachian Trail, Confessions of a Pampas Ass.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that Declaration of Independence signer Benjamin Franklin urged that the Fourth of July be “henceforth celebrated with fireworkes and publick displays” because he owned stock in a lucrative fireworkes factory outside Philly.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that Bernie Madoff’s prison term is what he deserves.  It’s close.  Now let’s see what the rest of the gang gets.  There are 65 billion reasons to believe that Bernie didn’t do this alone.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that during the Continental Congress, several duels were narrowly averted over the spelling of “unalienable.”  However, a duel nearly broke out between the Georgia and New York delegations as the New Yorkers would dissolve into uncontrollable giggles every time the roll was called and the secretary pronounced the name of Georgia delegate Button Gwinnett.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that Edward Rutledge, one of South Carolina’s delegates to the Continental Congress and later the state’s governor, was almost late for the signing of the Declaration because he was sailing back from a tryst with his Argentine mistress.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that Al Franken is the first comedian elected to the U.S. Senate.  Technically, Al Franken is the first person elected to the U.S. Senate who has gotten paid for making people laugh.  He’s also a serious author, whose work was ahead of its time, as you can see.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that John Hancock signed the Declaration of Independence in large script so that “King George III could read it without his glasses.”   King George didn’t wear glasses.  John knew the document would generate a lot of publicity and his brother-in-law wanted to start an insurance company in Boston and needed a cool logo. 

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that Glenn Beck has an ounce of “Common Sense” even though he tried to glom onto Thomas Paine’s famous Revolutionary War-era pamphlet by naming his latest book after it.  With Beck nodding and vocally agreeing, guest Michael Schuer went on Beck’s show and said, “the only chance we have as a country right now is for Osama bin Laden to deploy and detonate a major weapon in the United States.”

That’s the “only chance we have as a country right now?”  That’s the kind of patriotism we need?  Rooting for the slaughter of Americans? 

Read the text of the Declaration of Independence here.

Have a safe, free and happy holiday weekend.