The John McCain Pocket Dictionary

Since he’s redefining words as we go along, you need a handy guide to be able to translate what John McCain is saying.

• Angry Left:  Anyone who disagrees with me or the President.
• Change:  See Reformer.
• Commander-in-Chief:  A position I’m uniquely qualified to fill (see POW) and so is anyone who ever met an Alaska National Guardsman.
• Deregulation: Preserving Americans’ basic God-given right to purchase poisoned pet food, worthless financial instruments and toys with lead paint.
• Economics: A dismal science I’m dismal at.
• Elitist: My opponent. (Don’t worry, guys, he can’t follow us into this country club.)
• Family: Photogenic props; off-limits when they might reveal something negative about my character.
• Fundamental:  An American worker.  As in “the fundamentals of this economy are strong.”  Synonyms:  prole, sucker, kinda like a “troop.”
• Government Regulation:  A seasonal flower that stinks in March but acquires a very pleasing fragrance in September.
• Internet:  What?
• Iran:  1. A country I’d like to invade someday.  2. What I did in 2000, but some young SOB lied better than me and won the Presidency.
• Joke:  Something I said when I got off script, like “Bomb Iran.”
• Keating 5:  Much ado about nothing. You wouldn’t question my honor, would you?  I wasn’t arrested, ok?  See POW.
• Liberal:  Universal adjective for anything I don’t like.  Use in place of “f” word.
• Lobbyists:  Campaign staff.  If Democratic lobbyists, see Angry Left.
• Media:  Great guys who used to ride on my campaign bus and drool on my shoes, but who ask all kinds of annoying questions now.
• Middle Class:  Someone earning less than $5 million a year.
• My Friends:  I’m about to tell a whopper.
• Obama chooses his words very carefully:  Watch out, he’s an uppity one, that one!
• P.O.W.:  A term which instantly raises a shield around the one speaking it; an adequate answer to any annoying or difficult question.
• President George W. Bush:  Who?
• Reformer:  Don’t worry boys, I’ve got your backs!
• Rich:  Someone who owns more houses than I think I might own.
• Sexist:  Any comment I don’t like about my running mate.
• Taxes:  1. Something little people pay.  2.  A big state near Oklahoma.
• Thanks, But No Thanks:  Yes! Give me more! Oh yes, more, oh God yesss! 
• Town Hall Meeting:  Something that if Obama had done it with me, I wouldn’t have to lie so much about him now.
• Wife:  Useful as scenery and funding source, not so much if she’s been injured in an auto accident and doesn’t have much cash.