There Is No Truth To the Rumor . . .

Every Friday, we take a look around and debunk gossip, bust urban legends, and, we hope, give you a little smile to start your weekend.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that Virginia Beach Mayor Will Sessoms and The Virginian-Pilot are going steady.  It’s just a summer thang.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that Michael Jackson’s body is being driven aimlessly around Southern California in a bizarre motorcade as his family, officials and attorneys argue over where to bury him.  It is unfortunately true that one of the family sources quoted regarding disposition of the singer’s body is named Majestik Magnificent.  Dignity really never had a chance here, did it?

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that producers at CNN this week came down to a coin flip on the decision to break away from the fourth hour of their Al Sharpton interview on Michael Jackson’s legacy as an entertainer or coverage of  a meeting between some guy named Obama and some other guy named Putin.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that Sarah Palin resigned because ethics complaints against her were taking too much of a toll on Alaska.  But her use of the words “quitter,” “fighter,” “apathy” and “higher calling” in her explanation of her resignation have strained Thesauruses everywhere.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that Senator and Doctor Tom Coburn (R-Oklahoma) has helped his colleague Nevada Senator John Ensign so much with his sage advice and marriage counseling that other colleagues have sought him out for marital advice.  He’s writing a book called “Ten Easy Steps to Discover Your Inner Self-Righteous Gasbag–or How to Write Your Mistress a Note They’ll Read on CNN.”

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that Sarah Palin’s popularity has taken a dive with her resignation. Politically, she may have taken a hit, but we hear Bass Pro Shops and L.L.Bean sold out of waders four hours after her staged waterside interviews aired.  They’re just the thing for chowin’ down at the buffet at the Golden Corral, too, also.  Take that Michelle “J. Crew” Obama!

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions (R-19th Century) is afraid of Puerto Ricans.  He’s afraid of anything that isn’t whiter than Wonder Bread.  Like Sonia Sotomayor.  That’s why he’s leading the Republican opposition to her Supreme Court nomination.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that Representative Steve King (R-Iowa) was denying slavery by voting against a resolution acknowledging that the U.S. Capitol was built with slave labor.  He was denying that the U.S. Capitol was built at all.  (He thinks the House meets in a cornfield beside his farmhouse. Really.  His favorite movie is Field of Dreams.)

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that an anonymous billionaire offered a large cash prize for the Republican officeholder who could act the stupidest before Labor Day.  But just in case you’re keeping score, John Ensign, with his parents’ help, has just edged out Sarah Palin, but Mark Sanford could call another news conference at any time.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that the protests in Iran died with Michael Jackson.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that Leon Panetta and Nancy Pelosi will be co-hosting the annual CIA-Congress Softball Game and Picnic.  As usual, the location of the event is classified, which tends to hold down attendance.  Too bad.  We hear that the agency chorus does an “extraordinary rendition” of “Take Me Out To the Ball Game.”

Have a great weekend!

I Am Neda

Priorities Down the Hatch?

Poor Senator Orrin Hatch (R-Utah).

He complained that he and his colleagues were not allowed sufficient time to research all of Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor’s many supposedly scary court rulings this summer.  Now President Obama wants the Senate to consider major health care reform?  Well, there’s just no time.  Senator Hatch says we can’t  possibly do it the way Obama wants to before October.

What is the best use of Hatch’s valuable time?  Hearings on COLLEGE FOOTBALL!!

Never mind that “the cure” for the BCS may be worse for Hatch’s beloved Utah Utes than the disease.

Never mind that there’s a recession and two wars going on.

Never mind that his political party is in shambles.

Sorry, Senator Hatch, but the Supreme Court ruled the bowl system the BCS replaced violated anti-trust laws, because large conference schools were unfairly restricted (not because small conference schools, like Utah, weren’t given a fair shot).  You could look it up.  If the BCS is dismantled, the big schools will likely go back to negotiating with TV and bowls individually, freezing out the “little guys” even more.  

Meanwhile, Sonia Sotomayor’s legal opinions, health care reform, climate legislation and economic issues languish for lack of time and attention.

Senator Orrin Hatch is too busy pandering to have his priorities right.

Will Republicans Listen? Probably Not.

Former Secretary of State Colin Powell lays out a plan for handling the Sotomayor hearings, affirmative action, and how Republicans generally might return to electoral popularity.

Will the Republican leadership listen?  No.  They’re too busy bashing non-existent socialist bogeymen and organizing tea parties.  

Oh, well.  He tried.

Top Ten Reasons Palin Resigned

With the shocking Friday news dump of Sarah Palin’s breathless and bizarre resignation, some called yesterday “Alaskan Independence Day.”.  Another aptly said, “Today, we are all Alaskans.”  But something is fishy in Wasilla, and we suspect it’s not just salmon drying in the sun.  In honor of David Letterman (since he can’t get around to it until at least Monday) we humbly offer our:

Top Ten Reasons Alaska Governor Sarah Palin REALLY Resigned:

Number 10:  

The 686,293rd Alaskan called her to say, “you’ve gotten on my last nerve.”

Number 9:  

She can’t sleep.  She’s being haunted by the ghosts of turkeys of Thanksgivings past.

Number 8:    

She got tired of saying, “It’s a snow MACHINE, NOT a snowmobile!

Number 7:

Plans for a Wasilla Neiman-Marcus were abruptly cancelled.

Number 6:

Four words:  Fox show opposite Letterman!

Number 5:

Kept yelling “Makeup!” and “Wardrobe!” during state meetings, but nobody moved.

Number 4:  

Lied during Katie Couric interview; she reads Vanity Fair!

Number 3:

Depressed since Jon and Kate split up, wants to help raise Gosselin kids to be just like Bristol.

Number 2:

Got Letterman to apologize, wants to work on Obama next!

And the Number 1 reason why Governor Sarah Palin REALLY resigned?

“I can see an indictment from my house!”

There Is No Truth To the Rumor . . .

Special Independence Day Weekend Edition

Every Friday, we take a look around and debunk gossip, bust urban legends, and, we hope, give you a little smile to start your weekend.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that a cable network has been launched called the 24/7 Michael Jackson Legacy Network.  It’s actually called CNN, MSNBC, E!, MTV, VH1, NBC, ABC, CBS, FOX, HBO . . . . Don’t touch that dial, it won’t do any good.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadidntwinijad has changed the official language of his country from Farsi to Farce.  In a related move, in gratitude for the timing of the tragic loss of Motown legend Michael Jackson, Ayatollah Ali Hoseyni Khāmene’i has changed his title to “Supremes” leader for 30 days of mourning. 

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that Francis Lightfoot Lee, delegate to the Continental Congress from Virginia and signer of the Declaration of Independence, got his middle name because he was gay.  He got the name because he kept falling asleep during the Congress, and some of the more mischievous members of the Maryland delegation kept setting his shoes on fire.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that Governor Mark Sanford is planning a book tour this fall.  He’s hoping reporters will share their notes of his witless press conferences so he can actually write a book first.  Working titles:  My Wife (and My Legislature) Doesn’t Understand Me, Last Tango Not Quite on the Appalachian Trail, Confessions of a Pampas Ass.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that Declaration of Independence signer Benjamin Franklin urged that the Fourth of July be “henceforth celebrated with fireworkes and publick displays” because he owned stock in a lucrative fireworkes factory outside Philly.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that Bernie Madoff’s prison term is what he deserves.  It’s close.  Now let’s see what the rest of the gang gets.  There are 65 billion reasons to believe that Bernie didn’t do this alone.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that during the Continental Congress, several duels were narrowly averted over the spelling of “unalienable.”  However, a duel nearly broke out between the Georgia and New York delegations as the New Yorkers would dissolve into uncontrollable giggles every time the roll was called and the secretary pronounced the name of Georgia delegate Button Gwinnett.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that Edward Rutledge, one of South Carolina’s delegates to the Continental Congress and later the state’s governor, was almost late for the signing of the Declaration because he was sailing back from a tryst with his Argentine mistress.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that Al Franken is the first comedian elected to the U.S. Senate.  Technically, Al Franken is the first person elected to the U.S. Senate who has gotten paid for making people laugh.  He’s also a serious author, whose work was ahead of its time, as you can see.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that John Hancock signed the Declaration of Independence in large script so that “King George III could read it without his glasses.”   King George didn’t wear glasses.  John knew the document would generate a lot of publicity and his brother-in-law wanted to start an insurance company in Boston and needed a cool logo. 

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that Glenn Beck has an ounce of “Common Sense” even though he tried to glom onto Thomas Paine’s famous Revolutionary War-era pamphlet by naming his latest book after it.  With Beck nodding and vocally agreeing, guest Michael Schuer went on Beck’s show and said, “the only chance we have as a country right now is for Osama bin Laden to deploy and detonate a major weapon in the United States.”

That’s the “only chance we have as a country right now?”  That’s the kind of patriotism we need?  Rooting for the slaughter of Americans? 

Read the text of the Declaration of Independence here.

Have a safe, free and happy holiday weekend.

The Lying Liars Who Willed Us To War

You might have missed it with the news of the Iranian election protests and wall-to-wall coverage of the passing of the King of Pop, but in the last month, we’ve received the real “slam dunk” about the war in Iraq.  There were no WMD and Bush knew it.

First, came the “Manning Memo.”   Seems the Brits are getting busy investigating how they could have been so stupid as to let George Bush lie them into a land war in Asia.  So this memo from Tony Blair’s foreign policy advisor turns up detailing a meeting in January 2003 between Bush and Blair.  

Bush admits to Blair that the weapons inspectors won’t find WMD before the agreed invasion date in March (because they’re not there).  So, then Blair and Bush discuss different scenarios to provoke an incident that would justify an invasion, like a bogus U-2 flight that might be shot down.  Meanwhile, the Bush/Cheney PR machine was orchestrating a publicity campaign to discredit Iraqi cooperation with the inspectors, the U.N., and the inspectors themselves.

The picture emerges of an enterprise hellbent on invading Iraq no matter what justification was needed, ready to obliterate any obstacle (friend or foe) in its path.

Second, we learn this week that the FBI asked Saddam Hussein before he was hanged why he created the impression throughout his own regime that he still maintained stockpiles of WMD.  His reply?  He was trying to scare the fanatics in Iran, against whom (with our assistance) he had fought a cruel and vicious 8-year war.  

Saddam did not want Iran emboldened by the weakness of his armed forces after the 1991 Gulf War, especially in the heavily Shi’a southern region of Iraq. He also vigorously denied any connection with Al-Qaeda, calling them zealots.  Was he lying? Maybe, but it makes more geopolitical sense than Bush’s Iraq policy did.

Knowing about the Manning memo and Saddam’s declassified confession, NOW watch Bush’s speech of March 20, 2003, when he chose to send us to war, and ponder his carefully chosen words:

Our nation enters this conflict reluctantly, yet our purpose is sure.  The people of the United States and our friends and allies, will not live at the mercy of an outlaw regime that threatens the peace with weapons of mass murder.  We will meet that threat now, with our Army, Air Force, Navy, Coast Guard and Marines, so that we do not have to meet it later with armies of firefighters and police and doctors, on the streets of our cities. [quote begins at 2:50 in video, Emphasis added.]

On June 30, 2009, U.S. troops honored the Status of Forces agreement President Bush signed before he left office, withdrawing as scheduled from Iraq’s cities.  As of this writing, the U.S. has suffered 4321 killed, 31,156 wounded in Iraq since Bush gave that speech in March of 2003.

Heathcare: Just Do It . . . NOW!

The opportunity is here. We are watching our neighbors slide out of the middle class at an alarming rate.  We cannot rely on employers to be the sole source of health insurance.  Not if we want to compete in the global marketplace.  

A paradigm shift has occurred and the Congress has not even begun to catch up to it.  People no longer work at the same job with full benefits for 20 or 30 years, seeing the same family doctor on a consistent basis.  

We work two jobs at once, part-time.  We are self-employed, independent contractors.  We change jobs like shirts, seasonally, with down time in between.  Many employers don’t or can’t offer health benefits.  

For most people, the “family doctor” is an HMO office, large multi-physician practice, clinic, or Emergency Room, where one is a number at best.  We need a healthcare system that reflects reality, not the insurance lobby’s fondest wishes. 

Demagogues who have their own gold-plated healthcare funded by the government are telling us that we don’t want “guv’mint bee ur oh crats” running our healthcare.  As if those of us who are lucky enough to have insurance are happy with the decisions made by the faceless insurance company bureaucrats driven by shareholder profits who are practicing medicine without medical training on a daily basis telling our doctors what to do. 

Remember, it wasn’t a government bureaucrat that came up with the idea of a C-section being an outpatient procedure, or two days being enough recovery time in the hospital after open heart surgery.

The lobbyists’ talking points are beginning to wear thin:

“The government can’t deliver healthcare or health insurance, only the PRIVATE SECTOR can.” 

Please don’t tell this to the soldier whisked off the battlefield, stabilized in a state-of-the-art field hospital, flown to Germany for life-saving surgery, and rehabilitated in a stateside hospital in the space of a few weeks.  Or to the Congress, military dependents, millions of veterans, millions on Medicare, and clients of the U.S. Public Health Service, etc., who would scream bloody murder if you took away their “government” health care.  If the government is so incompetent at everything, let’s take nuclear weapons and give them to the private sector, okay?  The government is the largest single provider and payor of healthcare in the country.  That ship has already sailed, folks. 

“We can’t afford it.”

We can afford to blithely bail out the crooks at AIG to the tune of $180 billion and counting in six months, but we can’t even start on healthcare?  The truth is, unrestrained healthcare spending is going to bankrupt current government health programs if we retain the status quo.  So let’s stop lying to ourselves and get started. 

Further, even WITH INSURANCE, healthcare costs are a leading cause of personal bankruptcy.  For millions of uninsured Americans, the physical and financial consequences are even more devastating.  Their unfunded care is a hidden subsidy paid (socialized–if you will) by every working American now–reform merely brings it onto the books.

“Americans don’t want socialized medicine.”

A recent poll shows 72% of Americans are ready for reform of the system, including government involvement.  A public option has support, though support divides ideologically when costs are specified (which is why demagogues like Eric Cantor are careful to skip costs in their so-called “alternatives”).  The current meek proposals are far from direct employment of doctors by the government or a true single-payor system.

If a government option will be so inefficient, ineffective and onerous to deal with, what are the private insurers so afraid of–who would choose to enroll?  What they’re really afraid of is being unable to cherry-pick the healthy few and leave the unprofitable people who most need health services to fend for themselves.  

Private insurers fear the elimination of pre-existing condition clauses, the creation of true portability and modifications of COBRA that reform might bring.  These might level the competitive playing field and eliminate the adverse selection that leaves those who most need health insurance uninsured the moment they have a health crisis. 

“Americans favor personal responsibility for their healthcare”

Which Americans favor personal responsibility for whose healthcare?  This is usually code for “we don’t want to pay for lazy, drunken poor people having babies out of wedlock.”  Or people who didn’t have the “foresight” (or a spare $15 grand) to buy insurance.  In other words, people should “pay” (with disease, pain, contagion and death) for their irresponsible behavior.  

Do we resent spending more on Dick Cheney’s pacemakers than post-invasion planning in Iraq?  Well, maybe.   If the Vice had expanded his idea of exercise to an area outside of the zone between his nose and chin, the expense would have been mitigated, but that’s pre-9/11 thinking.  Frankly, we’re not too keen about paying to subsidize treatment for whatever Senator David Vitter might have picked up from the hookers he slept with, or what Senator Larry Craig may have picked up cruising men’s rooms, or the skin cancer Minority Leader Boehner may get from over-tanning, or the numerous times Eric Cantor has to have his head extracted from his . . . oh, well, we all fall short, you know!  So let’s stop pretending we don’t subsidize plenty of high-class misbehavior.

We cannot afford to let this opportunity be taken away by the fear mongering hypocrites of the right.  These same arguments were made against Social Security and Medicare, by the same group of people.  They were on the wrong side of history then, and they are on the wrong side of history now.  They are well-funded and loud, but they are a small minority.

So Much for Dignity

“I wish the world hadda recognized him when he were living.”

Is Joe Jackson drunk?  What a poor excuse for a father.  Shouldn’t Michael Jackson’s father be planning a funeral, not going to an awards show and plugging a record label? Sorta explains this resemblance, doesn’t it?

Yes, Michael, we have seen your childhood.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor . . .

Every Friday, we take a look around and debunk gossip, bust urban legends, and, we hope, give you a little smile to start your weekend.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that when South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s wife discovered his affair with his Argentinian mistress, she tried to secede from their marriage.  Mark Sanford:  Another Republican governor striving to put the “goober” back into gubernatorial.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that the ruling clerics in Iran sent a large flower arrangement to Michael Jackson’s family in gratitude for his death knocking their brutal repression of election protests off the world’s front pages.  (It was a fruit basket.)

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that Senator Lindsey Graham’s gift in foreign policy is his ability to reduce complex situations to very simple solutions.  His take on the Iran situation?  ”The signs are in English” so the Iranians must want the U.S. to intervene.  Brilliant!  Can someone remind Senator Graham that the signs that say “Death to America” are in English, too?

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that Simon & Schuster agreed to pay former Vice President Dick Cheney $2 million for writing his memoirs on condition that they could decide after reading the manuscript whether to publish them as fiction or non-fiction.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that President Obama’s poll numbers are slipping because the “honeymoon” is over.  He’s connected with the American car industry.  Apparently, that makes everyone’s poll numbers go down.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer was starting an online company with Senator David Vitter, Senator Larry Craig, Senator John Ensign and Governor Mark Sanford as partners.  It was rumored to be a political escort service called eDiscord.com.  Their slogan was going to be “Each assignation comes without your resignation.”  It’s so tough to get venture capital in a recession, though.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that Michele Bachmann and Glenn Beck are an item.  But they do have a certain insane chemistry.  They were together on Fox News this week. As they advocated boycotting the 2010 census, the TV became an airtight echo chamber.  Wow.  When stupidity, paranoia and delusion feed on grandiose unexamined right wing fantasy, it’s time to cue the Woody Woodpecker laugh track.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that Kate Gosselin of TLC’s Jon & Kate Plus 8 gave her soon-to-be-ex-husband a strange gift for Father’s Day this year: a lifetime DC MetroRail pass.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that every critic of President Obama’s plan to give people a choice of “socialized” heathcare run by “guv’mint bee ur oh crats” has their own top-shelf heathcare plan run by government bureaucrats and funded by the American public.  (Just 99.9% of them.)  Irony is lost on these people.

There Is No Truth To the Rumor that Newt Gingrich is the “new” face of the Republican Party.  Same old face, same old tired cover-up for polluters. American Solutions for Winning the Future (Newt’s 527 group) gets major funding from coal giant Peabody Energy and guess what?  Newt thinks the carbon tax is a bad idea! Haven’t we sawed the tops off enough mountains in West Virginia and Kentucky? 

As John Prine said in 1971, “Now Daddy, won’t you take me back to Muhlenburg County,  down by the Green River, where Paradise lay?  I’m sorry my son, but you’re too late in askin’, Mr. Peabody’s coal train has hauled it away.”

Have a great weekend!